“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
At some point there is a point of no return. That point where you realise something about yourself, the surroundings, the world, the Universe or the unknown.
There is a point where your life is not the same because you get a sense of who you are and what you want and how much you are able to accomplish when your heart is set on it.
You realise things.
You open your eyes – and all your senses – to something that has been there all along but you were not ready to acknowledge because one needs time to go from old to new.
In the process of transformation we need time to close our eyes to the external and look inwards, so that we can understand ourselves, our inner world. We need to understand the internal reasons that took us to the external world as we experience it, so that we can effectively transform our lives.
Understanding my darkness, my shadows, my triggers (or some of them as I understand this is a never ending work) it is what has allowed me to live the light because “I get me”.
I see the inner chat I have with myself and the demons that appear in times of stress, pressure, challenges…
I can recognise now some of those demons for what they are, thoughts external to me. They are not me: this fearful child, this demotivated and demotivating dragon, this arrogant statuesque mask, this childish unreliable brat… Those “creatures” have a reason for existing and being inside me, but I am NOT them. They are mere characters that appeared in times where I needed them because I didn’t know any better. When I didn’t know how to deal with difficult circumstances, they were there to protect me, but now, they are still here because they don’t know I don’t need them anymore (that is: I don’t know I don’t need them anymore).
Keeping holding onto them is not serving me anymore, although getting to know them is hard, because it requires to understand the whys that brought them to existence and those whys are never nice, they belong to the darkness.
Awakening is like Life after Death. There is not just one of them. They go in cycles and repeat themselves again and again.
Since we are born we start a series of awakenings and deaths. We realise things that make us awake to something while we leave behind some parts that don’t serve us, we leave some parts of us to die so we can birth to new parts.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
– Cynthia Occelli
I haven’t experienced just one awakening, there have been many (little ones, bigger ones…). Many circumstances that had led me to awake to a new self, and any of those awakenings has been peeling away layers allowing me to go deeper and deeper.
I feel I am getting closer, but the closer I get the more I realise how much work this process takes, how much energy, how scary some layers are to tackle. The deeper the layer the more scarier.
Last week I awaken again. I was born again while my old self died. I still feel the destruction of old patterns and fears, the death of those was what allowed the life of new patterns to be built.
Like the mythological phoenix cyclically regenerated or reborn from the ashes (the death) of the predecessor. The cycle of life needs death.
And I feel closer to myself, more in line and more at peace but I also know that I will have to go through more deaths because the awakening, that moment when you realise a shift, the depths of your self awareness, the lightness and beauty and perfection, is just too sweet to not experience again.
“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.” – John O’Donohue,
Let me tell you a secret: I have been feeling like a goddess since that day. Like I am swaying sensually, glowing, exuding a golden light while my body feels luscious and voluptuous. I feel powerful and sensuous and everything around me is lush and perfect.
What did unlock the goddess within me? Was it overcoming anything that made me small? Was it believing that I am indeed goddess material?
“Jesus Christ knew he was God. So wake up and find out eventually who you really are. In our culture, of course, they’ll say you’re crazy and you’re blasphemous, and they’ll either put you in jail or in a nut house (which is pretty much the same thing). However if you wake up in India and tell your friends and relations, ‘My goodness, I’ve just discovered that I’m God,’ they’ll laugh and say, ‘Oh, congratulations, at last you found out.”- Alan W. Watts,