I am so f***ing scared

I know what I want in my future. I know how I would love my professional future looked like. Professional and personal intertwined. My passion for teaching and my passion for traveling at the same time.

I am location independent, so one could say that I achieved that goal. I teach and I travel at the same time. Yes and no. I am able to work while I travel or change location. But my work doesn’t demand me to move. I could have been living in Spain the last 3 years I’ve been working online and all would have been perfectly fine.

But that’s not my goal.

I love teaching. And I love teaching in person because the connections are better and because doing a face to face group class is more challenging. I have panic to speak in public, reason why stepping into a group class has always been so difficult. I had the nerves before going in as if I were going into stage, and I had the thrill right after. Draining but so good.

I need that thrill in my life.

I want to keep being location independent.

I need to travel.

Last year I had this idea of what I would love to accomplish in my professional life. I resigned to get the title of PhD that I deserved after 7 years of research and a completely finished thesis because I didn’t have my heart there anymore. My heart was somewhere else. My heart and my mind were 100% committed to create a way of living doing what I like the most: teaching, interacting with students and traveling.

And I figured out how.
What if I offered Spanish Culture Workshops around the world? “Think big” they say, and I certainly have no problem in doing that. Ok. So short in person workshops around the world sounds perfect. I teach. I meet face to face with the students so my public speaking skills don’t get rusty. And I travel.


Now, how do I do it?

No idea!!!

Few months ago I did a survey asking people about cities, topics, dates that potentially would suit better, and I got very useful information. Now it was just a matter of picking a city, a topic and a date. However, I have been holding off starting it because I wasn’t ready.

And I am still not ready. The good and the bad news is that I won’t be readier than I am now. And I know it.
I won’t be readier because I won’t know what I don’t know until I am there, doing it.

So I did it. I took the leap. I booked a room in Dublin, set up the ticket system and started to advertise the workshop. There is no going back.

And I am so scared.

What if nobody attends?

What if the tickets are sold out but I panic and deliver a horrible workshop?

What if something goes wrong?

What if everything goes wrong?

I am trying to place myself in all these “non ideal” scenarios and the worst that can happen is better than if I didn’t try. What happens is that I learn.

If nobody comes means that I haven’t done the right thing to promote the event properly, so then I will need to learn other ways to do it.

If I panic? I will kick myself so hard that I won’t have other choice but to putting myself in uncomfortable social situations with strangers, and probably joining a Toastmasters group (which I have to do anyway!) to improve my sometimes crippled public speaking skills.

If something goes wrong… well, it’s likely something will go wrong. And that’s good because that won’t go wrong the next time!

If everything goes wrong means that I did a very poor job organizing the workshop, so I will need to work twice as hard for the next one.

So all good.

Yet, I am so fucking scared that when I think about the workshops I just want to hide in my corner and keep doing what I am doing right now because I know I am good at it. Why should I put myself out there, do something new and risk to fail miserably?

Well, because that’s the way we grow. And because I am so scared of doing it and not doing it well, that that means that it matters to me. And it matters so much…

So, yes, I am afraid, scared, panicky, fearful and shaky but not yet petrified as I keep moving.

Always moving.