Pic or it didn’t happen, they say.
So, here it is.
Here I am, on a little stage, in front of a microphone.
Projecting my voice as I learned to do in front of the classroom (the students in last row must be able to hear as well as the ones in the first one).
Words pouring out my mouth while my brain wandered around the room reminding me to look right and left, to move my hands, to breathe.
Funny how my awareness in everything that was going on – inside me and outside in the room – , was “split” from the act of reciting the poem.
I was not thinking about what line came next, not for a second, I wasn’t even aware of the act of delivering those words, so internalised they were.
I embodied those words so my mind was freed to wander and do what it does best. Think. Remind me of things. Observe. Pay attention to what is happening around. Sometimes panic.
Rehearsing the unfolding
That spurted “I want to be heard and I want to be seen” back in October of last year… Words that I didn’t know where they came from as they surprised myself more than they did to anybody else. They became day 1 of the “life / dream rehearsal”.
Fast forward few months. Months where I couldn’t ignore what I said back in that car.
“I want to be heard and I want to be seen”…
Those words kept coming to my mind as a mantra and they started to be recognised as mine. They become more real than anything else I had ever said. Those words were embodied, they had nothing to do with my mind, in fact, had I thought in that moment, I would have never dared to utter them.
Those words were somewhere in myself, running silently through my veins, resonating quietly with every beat of my heart, ready to be exposed in the moment when I was ready to hear them.
– Do you ever wonder what else is there, in your body? Quietly waiting for its moment to be revealed to yourself?
– Do you ever wonder if there might be a latent desire, in the dark, a deep truth that won’t come out until you are ready? Does it scare you never be ready? Never get to know your dream?
Mind talking about body.
I don’t know if they communicate well. I believe we are perfect creatures, so mind and body probably interact to perfection, although sometimes I think that the balance between mind and body goes off.
Then, when the mind takes over, the body shuts down overwhelmed by all those “irrational” or “too rationalised” fears and shuts up. It is like if the mind became a shield of thick impenetrable thought tissue around the body not allowing any information coming out and reach our awareness.
Body is silent and mind broadcast nothing more than chatter (fears, plans, memories…) giving us the illusion of understanding ourselves better, pretending to be helping us to make decisions and guiding us to our goals. When, as a matter of fact, the only thing that is happening is that we are getting more and more distanced from the intelligence in our bodies. We are further and further from the truth inside ourselves, from our deep desires, to the point that we perceive those dreams as something completely alien to us.
And they scares us. Those dreams and desires, pulsating in every fibre of our body, yearning to be, feel overpowering, paralysing, too intense… too palpable. Too real?
The mind has been trying to shut them down, trying to protect us from its fierceness. Being in the mind is like daydreaming. That is the illusion, the fantasy, that one way head trip that makes us pass at 100 miles an hour over reality converting it into a blur.
When we are on this fast mind train we know we are skipping over something but we are not seeing it clearly, we don’t distinguish the lines, the colours, the smells…
Mind goes too fast but body takes its time.
And that brings me back to that picture from the beginning.
Going from point A to D (of dream) in my body, in the reality, takes time, is a bike ride. You can only go as fast as your body allows you, and it requires practise, and the terrain might be rocky or hilly or having lots of curves, and unlike a fast train that cuts through a mountain tunnel, you, on your bike, can’t avoid those obstacles. You have to practise to strengthen your legs muscles, so that you are able to tackle the ascent of that hill, which is going to be hard as hell to climb. And while you are climbing that damn hill on your bike there is no way you are going to be on your mind because your body is reclaiming all your attention.
The risk is that when the ascent gets too hard, you might want to switch from body to mind and start thinking about taking the fast train again, which, let’s be honest here, is not going to take you anywhere closer to point D.
In that picture I am on my bike. In plain ascent to the hill. Feeling the stretch and the discomfort. Aching. In my body.
I am only in the first stops of the ascent (and that image is my first proof of ascent). I am still at the foot of the mountain where is not that steep but as I am quite fresh in this matter of climbing, it feels excruciating.
I know, though, that if I continue on my bike (or foot), the climbing will get easier as my muscles will become hardened and I will be more familiar with the track.
It’s a matter of embodied time…