And the funny part is that it feels as if the Universe was plotting in my favour.
It’s probably the fact that I am more alert to certain things that went unnoticed before. But it REALLY feels as if the Universe sat me on a chair, stood in front of me, almost shouting, exasperated, telling me: “Have you finally connected the dots?!” “Do you finally get what I’ve been trying to tell you all your life and steering you towards only for you to go back(wards) to hide in your cave?! “
Being the centre of attention
I’m gonna tell you a secret. I don’t remember much from when I was little. I do remember though, an episode where I was attending mass with my family and I ran to the altar, positioned myself next to the priest and facing the attendees, lifted my dress showing my lovely underwear to all the parishioners.
Me lifting the dress seems to have been a reiterative activity of mine those days (or that I’ve been told).
Me running to a public raised structure with the only purpose of showing my nether regions, not so much (that I remember). The important part is that I wasn’t shy at all those days. I wanted to be seen (indecorously).
Another secret. Since I can remember, I had this distinction between real life and dream life. In my real life I was this scared child, socially awkward, loner who does not want to be seen or heard, prefers not to be the center of attention, panics when more that one set of eyes is looking at her, who believes she has nothing of value to say and therefore finds more comfortable hiding her vacuity. In my dream life, however, I am always the center of attention, confident, deep and thought provoking creature, an innate leader who has a the gift of speech and self expression, is radically honest and not fears being looked at, listened at, and in fact, thrives in those situations.
And you know what? I am afraid that my “real life” was just a form of conformity and settlement. You know The Fox and the Grapes fable? I think that was me for most of my life. I convinced myself that because I was so bad at social interactions and so shy, I didn’t want to be seen or heard, that I preferred to go unnoticed. Bullshit! I didn’t. And I have been hurting all those years because of that.
So, the real life was not real after all, whereas the dreamed life was the real one, although completely unfulfilled.
Starting to live the life I dreamed
I remember when some childhood friends wondered why I wanted to be a teacher, to be in front of a class and the center of the attention. I didn’t make a connection between what my passion / calling was, and being the centre of attention (which back then I perceived as something bad, like “who do you think you are wanting to be the centre of attention?” kind of bad).
And I remember how I felt every single time I opened the door to the classroom and face the 20+ faces looking at me. There was fear, but there was excitement. A rise in adrenaline. A pleasure.
Then, when I started teaching online one on one via Skype, it was easy. I was confident. I was doing something I was good at without the fear of having to be the centre of attention. It was a pleasure too, I love having one on one conversations much more that being in a group, but the excitement was nowhere to be felt. Reason why I experienced the urge to organise onsite workshops although I told myself that the real reason was to grow the business. Oh, the fear and excitement I felt being in front of those faces again…
See? I am not sure now that I wanted to teach for teaching itself but for being the centre of attention communicating what I knew.
The content has expanded
Being a language teacher has been a pleasure. It still is. But I think that it was just a stage. A stage in where I didn’t believe I had anything to say coming from myself and I needed the support of a Language Degree and all those language books to communicate something, to have something to say.
Spanish language and culture was the content that I needed to communicate then. But it feels somehow limited now. I have outgrown my own creation pigeonhole.
Now, I have something to share that is coming from or through me (I am not so sure of this one yet).
I AM the content.
And I feel ashamed when typing this (and eventually share it) because I still hear the voice asking me: “Who do you think you are?” But now the answer is simple, ME.
I feel that I need to be shared.
I realise I chose teaching for my own pleasure and benefit. Sure, my students benefit from the acquisition of a new language and open their minds, but me? I benefited much more, as I wasn’t ready for the extent of my purpose yet,
My years as a teacher have allowed my to:
1. learn that with effort I could become a great teacher.
2. realise that I love being the centre of attention.
3. get the tools to hide my nerves and “fake” a personality or behaviour that doesn’t come naturally, to create a “persona” and as a consequence, feel more confident.
I learned and I enjoyed. I benefited from that much more than the audience I was addressing. I was soaking information, learning tools, feeling a vicarious pleasure.
The stage that awaits me and for which I am getting ready is not so much towards me but from me towards the exterior (whatever that might be).
I experience the pleasure, excitement (and fear), and the thrill. YES. But I am not the receiver this time. I am not doing it for me and my own benefit. I believe, with every fibre of my body and soul, that I have to say what has to be said that is coming from and through me.
Knowing that we have an impact on the people we interact with, that we alter other peoples lives by just “being” who we are and that we are inspired by other people’s actions and fulfilment, one has to wonder how many people are we not inspiring to action by not being who we truly are as our fulfilled self. I know that I am who I am by the interaction with some people I met. I remember the inspiration moments where I was stirred to take action and where those actions have taken me. Those people were meant to cross my path and because they were fully expressed I was inspired by them. Hadn’t they revealed their nature and purpose I wouldn’t have been encouraged or excited to take certain actions.
How sad would it be that the person, whose evolutionary path I am meant to cross in order to inspire him / her, wasn’t inspired because I haven’t been able to fully express the message that I am here to tell?
If I am here to transmit a message and someone out there needs to hear this message, I really need to get cracking and impersonate the person I am meant to be, find out what is it that I am meant to say and say it!